I have written absolute, unadulterated shit in my time. I admit it. It was terrible writing. It could have been because I didn’t know what I was doing or I was too lazy or afraid to apply myself…who knows?
However, looking back over my life so far the shittiness wasn’t just sequestered to my writing.
My acting left something to be desired, and music, and dancing…basically all of my artistic endeavors of the past needed a drastic overhaul. But as I pull back focus again I notice that various life decisions weren’t up to par either. My finances looked like they had been handled by George W. Bush, my day job was killing me, I attended mind numbing, soul killing churches, I’ve had a landlord who was so terrible it was like he stepped out of a Dickens’ novel, I had backstabbers peppered in with actual friends, and two ex-boyfriends who were abusive and just plain crazy as hell.
I’m sure some people would say that I’m being to critical about my past. Or that I’m being hard on myself. Maybe I should just chalk all those things up to life just being LIFE, or I was growing as an artist and a person. But even with a Norman Vincent Peale approach to assessing my life I kept coming back to a common denominator in all the turmoil…me.
I must have been doing something unknowingly to attract and create everything that I didn’t want.
So what to do?
I didn’t know.
A quote from Albert Einstein kept popping up in my life in various places: a sermon, a newscast, a fortune cookie…
“Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
I wasn’t living consciously. I was just existing. Floating around like Forrest Gump’s feather with crappy results.
I decided to experiment with my life.
I started with the fundamental knowledge that I had about my existence. I have a body, soul, mind and spirit.
Any real changes in my life were going to have to start from these four aspects: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.
Eating healthy. No more crap. Drink more water exercise. I really took this into high gear since the New Year, I’m ALMOST vegan/raw foodist…but I will never give up seafood. You could hold a gun on my mama and I will still eat poached salmon.
Of course “Physical” includes everything that’s tangible; money, job, real estate, people.
Before I go any further, I broke up with the jerk boyfriends to save myself. And I had to come to grips with the fact that it was my fault that I wound up with them back to back. Low self-esteem will do a number on you. This will be covered in “Emotional”.
I didn’t have to get rid of the bad people in my life. When stuff started going south for me they just disappeared. But when stuff started picking up for me again, miraculously they found me and wanted to reconnect and be “friends” again. Yeah…no.
I’ve taught myself to save money and live on a budget. It’s not “Suze Orman thorough” but it’s better than what I had been doing in the past.
Even though my day job didn’t fulfill me I chose to do excellent work anyway. Everything I did I put 100% into doing and now it’s paid off.
To summarize, I now surround myself and fill myself with the best that I can get physically. And I am fortunate to have a multitude of great, inspiring people in my life. And I’m dressing and carrying myself better…makes a difference.
I have to learn how to love. What does love mean and how does it manifest itself? I have to learn to love myself, in a healthy and pure way. Thanks to the writings and recordings of Louise L. Hay this has become easier and easier.
I must have a daily dosage of great art, whether it’s visual, or music, a play, a film, dance etc. It MUST be excellent and inspiring and I must get my fix every day or I could relapse. Also, I must CREATE every day. JOYFULLY create everyday not under compulsion. This includes singing, (Which I’ve done a lot of since Whitney died) or laughing or dancing or cooking, writing, acting, drawing,…
To summarize; My inner life must be rich and warm and radiating pink light from my heart chakra. …sorry, I just slipped into New Age Hippie speak.
Read every day. I research something new all the time. Also, I am blessed to have many people in my life who know more than I. And I pump them for info. I am constantly learning from them and I love them for that. And I take University courses anytime they are offered and I have time. Brain games also do the trick.
Summary: Act like I was when I was four and curious about everything.
Now I can’t really go into detail here on this subject because I’ve been ten religions and for me to give commentary on that journey would take up pages upon pages on this site. Never the less, I will say this. I am learning to sit still. Which is important and brings me power. I’ll let David Lynch explain it to you.
Summary: Connect with the Divine everyday. Just sit there in “it” and don’t say anything. Someone told me that if carry out this practice long enough, we’ll discover something wonderful.
This experiment is ongoing.